Crusty Bread

 I recently finished the book, Sandwich, by Catherine Newman.  It was mostly enjoyable and while I can definitely relate to some of it, I did not relate to all of it.  One of my daughters mentioned it and I asked her if it was about Sandwich the place or Sandwich the generation. She replied, "both".  Ok...so I listened to it while I walked this month.  It was coincidental that we visited Cape Cod the first week in December and it happens to be the setting of the book. The book made me think of all kinds of things I would rather push under a rug and forget about!  It also opened my eyes to a few more things that I have considered over the past year.

On Cape Cod...not Sandwich, but close enough.

Being of a "certain age", I find myself no longer in the middle of the sandwich of life.  I really liked being the inside of the sandwich.  The part that gives the sandwich its unique flavor.  The part that defines the sandwich.  The part that sticks the two outside layers together.  It has been a long time since I was that fresh bread layer of the outside of the sandwich.  That layer that is tender and delicate.  The one that bruises or crushes at the lightest touch.  Nope...I have graduated to the bread at the back of the loaf that has been out for a while.  That slice that is a bit stale and dry.  Not quite the end of the bread loaf but one of the slices toward the end.  Not quite crusty or moldy, but these are debatable on any given day.  

There is something about losing both of your parents and many members of their generation.  Suddenly, but more likely gradually, you look in the mirror and realize you are them.  You are the ones on the outside of the sandwich.  We used to be the ones setting the trends, then we were the ones keeping up with the trends and now we really don't give a crap about the trends (most of the time).  What even are the trends?!  There is something liberating about this place.  I find myself saying things, out loud, that I never would have let out of my head before.  My filter is loosening up.  I have more confidence to just say what I mean, until one of my kids calls me out and I think to myself...damn, I am not the person they look up to or listen to anymore.  I am becoming the person they hear and sometimes shake their heads at as if to say, "Mom!" and discount my words which leaves me feeling irrelevant.  I am, one day, going to be the person who has to listen to them.  Crap!  Of course, I may be like my parents and just choose not to listen.  We have all vowed to listen when they say things like "you can't drive anymore", "you need to move out of the house" and so on.  I am not near that stage yet...but when you are the crusty outside layer of the sandwich...it is a place you can see off in the distance.  I, for one, am still not quite embracing being the elder at the family gatherings.   

Bring on Christmas with the kids and grandkids!  I will be the one trying not to act my age!

I still can't decide if I liked the book or not.  It brought me to some dark places, but it made me laugh and it made me think.  Even if I didn't like all the thoughts.  Maybe in the end, that is what makes a good book.

Have I Gone From Lorelai to Emily?

Disclaimer: If you have never watched Gilmore Girls this post may be unrelatable.  Also, if you have never watched it, you have no idea what you are missing, especially if you are a mother...or a daughter.  Maybe this will all be relatable regardless.  Carry on!

Last night after searching the vast wasteland of viewing options on television I sought refuge on my computer and resorted to a long ago and far away happy place.  I started watching Gilmore Girls from episode 1/season 1.  I can't remember the last, or even the first, time I saw the very beginning of Gilmore Girls.  The show began in the year 2000 and I am pretty sure we did not watch it from the beginning as we were far too involved with kids, sports and keeping our heads above water.  It was way too cool for us then.  I can guess that I/we started watching during the fall of 2003, aka the fall of our discontent.  We had two children in college and the youngest just beginning high school, TJ had moved to Houston to start his new job and I stayed behind to sell the house with Kelly who was in her first semester of high school.  It was a year of transitions.  Watching a series about a single mother and a high school aged daughter was right up our alley.  Kelly and I started a tradition that lasted all through her high school years, much to TJ's dismay, of watching Gilmore Girls together.  

While Kelly and I have nowhere near the rapid fire witty speech patterns that Lorelai and Rory shared we, or at least I hoped we, had a relationship that was similarly as close as theirs.  Even though at the time, I was a few years older than Lorelai, I related to her character in many ways.  I had always wanted to have that close relationship with my daughters, and still be able to parent them properly.  It is a fine balance not easily achieved or maintained.  

The relationship between Lorelai and her mother, Emily, was complicated.  I had a much better relationship with my mother, maybe because I did not have a child at 16 (as Lorelai did), or maybe because I was not as independent and rebellious as Lorelai or maybe because I just had a good mother!  I had a bit of trouble relating to Emily when we first began watching the show.  She just seemed to be so inflexible, snobby and manipulative. 

 

Fast forward 17 years.  Unfortunately, I am closer now to the age Emily was when the show filmed than to Lorelai.   Re-watching the show from the other side of 60 is a lot different than it was in my 40's.  While I still love the relationship between Rory and Lorelai, I found myself last night having a bit more of a sympathetic view of Emily.  I did not appreciate her perspective 17 years ago when I had no grandchildren.  Having grandchildren gives you one more layer of perspective in this world.  As a child you can only see through a child's eyes.  As a parent you have a parent's perspective and can also hopefully remember what it was like to be a child.  As a grandparent you get one more layer having parented people who are now parenting.  

No doubt when I was a child I said things like, "When I have kid I will never make them __________."  Inevitably I had to eat some of those words when I had my own children.  There are also things I said as a parent or parent-to-be to the tune of, "My kids will never do that!"  and as we all know those are some of the most frequently eaten words of parents!  Parenting is a humbling job.  I just never gave Emily Gilmore much love all those years ago.  Last night, after 6...episodes, I saw her in a different light.  Let me share one of the "aha" moments.

Rory has to choose a sport at her new fancy private high school.  Emily suggests she go learn to golf with her grandfather at "the club" in an effort to learn a sport and broaden her horizons a bit.  "The Club" is a place Lorelai detests and sees as a place representing her parents rich, snobby existence and a place she never fit in or wanted to fit into.  Rory is open to the activity and so she and her grandfather go on their outing.  They have meaningful conversations, she enjoys the beauty of the outdoors, she eventually manages to hit the golf ball and so begins a very nice relationship between she and her grandfather.  Lorelai just does not "get it", feels a bit left out and also hates to admit that maybe her mother was right about something.  She eventually realizes just because she hated golf and "the club" and all it represented did not mean that her daughter would feel the same way.  

The episode made me think about how when we are younger, we (maybe just me) tend to discount ideas of older people/our parents as passe' or out of step with current thinking and how maybe they knew more than we gave them credit for.  Aside from feeling a bit more sympathetic to Emily (who is still no saint, but who is?), I realized my point of reference has shifted.  Much to my dismay I am no longer the fit, cute, energetic, young, fun mother.  I am the softer, slower, older, hopefully still fun daughter, mother and grandmother with a broader perspective.  Thank you Gilmore Girls!