Have I Gone From Lorelai to Emily?

Disclaimer: If you have never watched Gilmore Girls this post may be unrelatable.  Also, if you have never watched it, you have no idea what you are missing, especially if you are a mother...or a daughter.  Maybe this will all be relatable regardless.  Carry on!

Last night after searching the vast wasteland of viewing options on television I sought refuge on my computer and resorted to a long ago and far away happy place.  I started watching Gilmore Girls from episode 1/season 1.  I can't remember the last, or even the first, time I saw the very beginning of Gilmore Girls.  The show began in the year 2000 and I am pretty sure we did not watch it from the beginning as we were far too involved with kids, sports and keeping our heads above water.  It was way too cool for us then.  I can guess that I/we started watching during the fall of 2003, aka the fall of our discontent.  We had two children in college and the youngest just beginning high school, TJ had moved to Houston to start his new job and I stayed behind to sell the house with Kelly who was in her first semester of high school.  It was a year of transitions.  Watching a series about a single mother and a high school aged daughter was right up our alley.  Kelly and I started a tradition that lasted all through her high school years, much to TJ's dismay, of watching Gilmore Girls together.  

While Kelly and I have nowhere near the rapid fire witty speech patterns that Lorelai and Rory shared we, or at least I hoped we, had a relationship that was similarly as close as theirs.  Even though at the time, I was a few years older than Lorelai, I related to her character in many ways.  I had always wanted to have that close relationship with my daughters, and still be able to parent them properly.  It is a fine balance not easily achieved or maintained.  

The relationship between Lorelai and her mother, Emily, was complicated.  I had a much better relationship with my mother, maybe because I did not have a child at 16 (as Lorelai did), or maybe because I was not as independent and rebellious as Lorelai or maybe because I just had a good mother!  I had a bit of trouble relating to Emily when we first began watching the show.  She just seemed to be so inflexible, snobby and manipulative. 

 

Fast forward 17 years.  Unfortunately, I am closer now to the age Emily was when the show filmed than to Lorelai.   Re-watching the show from the other side of 60 is a lot different than it was in my 40's.  While I still love the relationship between Rory and Lorelai, I found myself last night having a bit more of a sympathetic view of Emily.  I did not appreciate her perspective 17 years ago when I had no grandchildren.  Having grandchildren gives you one more layer of perspective in this world.  As a child you can only see through a child's eyes.  As a parent you have a parent's perspective and can also hopefully remember what it was like to be a child.  As a grandparent you get one more layer having parented people who are now parenting.  

No doubt when I was a child I said things like, "When I have kid I will never make them __________."  Inevitably I had to eat some of those words when I had my own children.  There are also things I said as a parent or parent-to-be to the tune of, "My kids will never do that!"  and as we all know those are some of the most frequently eaten words of parents!  Parenting is a humbling job.  I just never gave Emily Gilmore much love all those years ago.  Last night, after 6...episodes, I saw her in a different light.  Let me share one of the "aha" moments.

Rory has to choose a sport at her new fancy private high school.  Emily suggests she go learn to golf with her grandfather at "the club" in an effort to learn a sport and broaden her horizons a bit.  "The Club" is a place Lorelai detests and sees as a place representing her parents rich, snobby existence and a place she never fit in or wanted to fit into.  Rory is open to the activity and so she and her grandfather go on their outing.  They have meaningful conversations, she enjoys the beauty of the outdoors, she eventually manages to hit the golf ball and so begins a very nice relationship between she and her grandfather.  Lorelai just does not "get it", feels a bit left out and also hates to admit that maybe her mother was right about something.  She eventually realizes just because she hated golf and "the club" and all it represented did not mean that her daughter would feel the same way.  

The episode made me think about how when we are younger, we (maybe just me) tend to discount ideas of older people/our parents as passe' or out of step with current thinking and how maybe they knew more than we gave them credit for.  Aside from feeling a bit more sympathetic to Emily (who is still no saint, but who is?), I realized my point of reference has shifted.  Much to my dismay I am no longer the fit, cute, energetic, young, fun mother.  I am the softer, slower, older, hopefully still fun daughter, mother and grandmother with a broader perspective.  Thank you Gilmore Girls!